I am finding that writing this blog is somewhat hard for me to do. I am generally not one to share my personal information and feelings with others, except for my closer friends and family. This is especially true when it comes to my own struggles in life. It is easier for me to listen to someone else tell me their problems. So this is a challenge for me that I think will help to open up new relationship avenues, allowing for support.
Last week Dr. J told me that he would help me build up my immune system and get me to where I can be more functional again, but that doesn’t mean that every last borrelia bacteria is killed off. Over the past week I have only just begun the process toward acceptance. When treatment started I blocked out the idea of Lyme being chronic, because I finally had an answer to what was wrong, was starting treatment, and there was hope for me!
This week I find myself struggling as I’m processing and starting to accept that my disease is probably chronic. This past Tuesday I completed my fourth IV treatment of the package of ten. I’m not noticing much of a difference in my energy level yet. Actually, I’m feeling quite exhausted, which I’m told is probably a Herx reaction. So I find myself at this point where I am not seeing or feeling the changes.
This perceived lack of change has caused a multitude of questions and emotions to surface. In one sense I feel anger and I try to wrap my mind around how this even happened to me. If only I had not gone outside….If only I had not gone to WI for a month before my wedding to finish planning…If only I would have gone to the ER when I had my first symptoms….If only… They could go on forever. I’m also filled with deep sadness as my question is no longer, Will I be healthy enough to start having kids this year? but, Will I be able to have kids of my own someday without giving them Lyme?
So as I work through these difficult questions and emotions I will have my ups and downs; but I must move forward in faith, knowing that God will be with me, Lyme or no Lyme. He will be my strength when things get tough and when I feel discouraged. And I don’t know what my future holds, but God knows and I want to put my trust in Him!
A friend of mine introduced me to a motto that I have adopted for 2015, “The Year of No Fear”! I invite you to join me in making this your motto for 2015 as well, and we can share how God is working in our lives when we put our trust in Him!