I am finding that writing this blog is somewhat hard for me to do. I am generally not one to share my personal information and feelings with others, except for my closer friends and family. This is especially true when it comes to my own struggles in life. It is easier for me to listen to someone else tell me their problems. So this is a challenge for me that I think will help to open up new relationship avenues, allowing for support.
Last week Dr. J told me that he would help me build up my immune system and get me to where I can be more functional again, but that doesn’t mean that every last borrelia bacteria is killed off. Over the past week I have only just begun the process toward acceptance. When treatment started I blocked out the idea of Lyme being chronic, because I finally had an answer to what was wrong, was starting treatment, and there was hope for me!
This week I find myself struggling as I’m processing and starting to accept that my disease is probably chronic. This past Tuesday I completed my fourth IV treatment of the package of ten. I’m not noticing much of a difference in my energy level yet. Actually, I’m feeling quite exhausted, which I’m told is probably a Herx reaction. So I find myself at this point where I am not seeing or feeling the changes.
This perceived lack of change has caused a multitude of questions and emotions to surface. In one sense I feel anger and I try to wrap my mind around how this even happened to me. If only I had not gone outside….If only I had not gone to WI for a month before my wedding to finish planning…If only I would have gone to the ER when I had my first symptoms….If only… They could go on forever. I’m also filled with deep sadness as my question is no longer, Will I be healthy enough to start having kids this year? but, Will I be able to have kids of my own someday without giving them Lyme?
So as I work through these difficult questions and emotions I will have my ups and downs; but I must move forward in faith, knowing that God will be with me, Lyme or no Lyme. He will be my strength when things get tough and when I feel discouraged. And I don’t know what my future holds, but God knows and I want to put my trust in Him!
A friend of mine introduced me to a motto that I have adopted for 2015, “The Year of No Fear”! I invite you to join me in making this your motto for 2015 as well, and we can share how God is working in our lives when we put our trust in Him!
The past few weeks I have spent a lot of time researching my treatment options. The debate over whether to try antibiotics or a more natural approach weighed heavy on my heart. I felt that maybe I would need some of both to really attack the lyme so that I would be cured of it all. A few options for treatment led to dead end roads and I was starting to give up hope of finding a good doctor. My husband, the positive and supportive man that he is, did not give up the search.
He found a doctor in Pocatello, ID, about 4 hours from our home, that would treat Lyme Disease. I felt like this was the answer to my weeks of prayer. As I spent time seeking God, I had come to decide that I wanted to do this naturally. I feel that God never intended for us to kill the good along with the bad, but rather build up the good so that the bad is no longer able to survive inside us. It’s just like my spiritual life, if I fill my life with God, Satan can’t survive! So despite the financial burdens and the view of the mainstream medical community saying that I need to be on chemicals to kill this bacteria, I step forward in faith, because my God is bigger than all of that!
I feel so blessed that we found Dr. J, and that I am able to start my journey of building my body up.
I jolt awake as a shrilling alarm goes off in my head only to realize I am still half asleep. I fight my body to wake fully, but it is a battle that I feel I may never win. I tremble and shake, not sure if it’s my heart or my brain that is pulsating my core. I finally come to life, and the room is dark and still. I turn over and take a look at my phone, and it is only 3:27am. I can’t even remember the last time I slept through the night. I lay awake, tossing and turning for what seems like forever, just longing to fall into a deep and peaceful sleep.
After an hour or two my body slips off into a dreamworld that is vivid, suspenseful, and all too real. I jolt awake again, my fists clutched tightly. My breath is heavy and I take a few moments to compose myself before turning over again. Thoughts come through my mind like an explosion of fireworks, popping up just as I’m drifting into sleep. I feel myself going in and out of awareness; the line of reality so faint to me.
I awake to my husband rolling over to turn off the alarm; and I cringe at the thought of the morning coming too soon. I have no energy to get up out of bed. I feel like a train has run over my body and left me in shambles on the track. My muscles ache and my limbs have gone numb. There is a burning sensation that crawls on my skin as I slide out from under the sheets. It is time to start another day.
I have an identity outside of my disease. Lyme can not take away who I am. It can change the way I live my life, my habits, activities and schedule but it can not take away me!